Ramblings of a Crazy Girl

It sure has been good lately. Not perfect, not by a long shot, but I have been doing my best not to let the hurt and crap that life tosses you get to me too badly.

I have missed it. You know…that little thing called life.

The five days in hospital kinda changed me. I will be totally honest…I was scared. I was scared a lot. The first night I was there I cried myself to sleep from being terrified…and alone. I slept three hours that night. Of course it didn’t help that I was hooked up to so many wires I couldn’t get comfortable nor did it help that the nurses come in every hour with flashlights to check on you. That aside I was mostly just scared.

I thought a lot while being scared. Not much else I could do really I suppose. I am not religious so had nobody to pray to, but I made a vow if I was going to be ok, I was going to start living and the truth of the matter is, nobody is living if they spend the bulk of their day in front of a computer on their ass.

I refuse to live like that anymore.

It is a bit of a conflict though because I love playing video games. I love making videos. I love my tumblr and twitter, so its all about balance. I intend to figure out what that balance is but I know the ratio between living and all those other things is going to change dramatically.

In six weeks I am moving. That seems like as good of time as any to make these changes and start living.

Life no longer is planned out for me. Its like I am playing with a blank canvas and I don’t intend of screwing it up by rushing home from work to sit online every night.

There is more to life than that.

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So yesterday, I asked for some more Q&A’s for my next video. Let’s start with an update on that.

It’ll be a week or so before I get that video out. As some of you know, my power supply (I think) fried. The smell was horrible but with being in the hospital and settling back into life, I hadn’t found the time to go out and purchase one. I did manage to grab one yesterday, but it didn’t work. Typically, the power supply is at the top of your computer tower…mine is at the bottom…so the wires that connected weren’t actually long enough to reach. I apparently need a different type (who knew…I didn’t), and that they didn’t have in stock so it’ll be several more days before my computer is up and running again.

That said, one of the questions that was asked I felt needed a reply sooner than I was going to get this video out. It came from someone in DM and after a couple of exchanges, I decided this was how I wanted to reply to their question…mostly because I really think they need an answer sooner, rather than later.

The question was “How is it that you are always so happy?”

The simple answer to that my friend is….I’m not.

I have bad periods in my life. In fact, I’m going through one right now. I have good days and GREAT days and I have days where I don’t want to get out of bed and I cry myself to sleep. I am just like you!

A few years ago, I somehow came across this quote.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” ~Abraham Lincoln

That really stuck with me.

Life is like a roller coaster. I believe that throughout this journey, we are going to have amazing highs and painful lows. Up and down from one to the next and we never know when the lows will come or the highs will appear. I choose though, or have made up my mind, to start off each day on a positive note and a good outlook for the day.

That doesn’t mean I always get what I want! I sometimes suddenly feel as though I’m going a bajillion miles an hour down the rollercoaster into a painful low. I feel better though and find my lows not so long, when I make up my mind to be happy instead of sad.

Each day, I focus on what’s positive in my life. Sometimes, especially during the sucky lows, I really have to dig into my heart to find them, but I promise everyone always has some. Whether it’s a supportive friend or some encouragement from family or even the cup of coffee you had this morning, good can always be found, so I take those pieces (sometimes, they feel more like tiny morsels) and I put my energy into that rather than be emo about the negative.

Sooo…there you have it. I’m not always happy, I just choose to try and be, even when I’m breaking up on the inside.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. ~Frederick Keonig

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Life has been a little difficult the last week. They say bad things happen in threes.

Here is one of mine.

A week ago I began to have pains in my chest. This was not new as I have had this before. I wish I could say what specifically made me super nervous this time vs. all the other times but I took myself to the ER.

Let me start by saying that a trip to the ER when you are so super scared sucks. It pales in comparrison though to the next four days.

There was an irregularity in my ECGs and after 9 hours in the ER they decided to admit me into the hospital for further testing.

Over the next several days I had enough blood taken to feed several vampires and more tests ran than I have ever experienced. Finally I was told that they would do a cardiogram. That is where they put a catheter in to your arm or leg in one of your major arteries and allow it to go into your heart. Then they inject dye and look at all your arteries. The risks were heart attack, stroke or death.

Wow.

Obviously non of those things happened but it sure makes you poop your pants a little.

This entire process left me feeling so alone. Typing this now still makes the tears flow. Its so crappy to be scared and alone.

I really don’t know where I am going with this. I am not even sure why I am writing it. I just know that life has taken a bit of a turn for me. I wish things were clear but they seem to be clouded. I have learned I have a lot of unresolved feelings and emotions that I need to sort through.

I have learned that I want more from my life than impossible dreams and video games.

I have learned that I want to really start living.

I have learned that sometimes we have to just breathe and do what makes us happy.

So, while I love you guys, I am taking some me time. I am going to sort through some unresolved emotions and learn what makes me happy.

Wish me luck.

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